Communication and Boundaries

There have been a couple things that have really stood out to me these last few weeks. Two of those things are, communication and boundaries. These two things actually fit together more than you might originally think. We have talked a lot about how important it is to communicate when you date, get engaged and when you get married. Communication could solve countless problems, however I do feel you need to learn to communicate effectively, not just talk at each other. I feel like to truly communicate; you need to have a safe environment to express your thoughts, hopes, and fears. Many of us choose to stay silent in our relationships to “avoid conflict” or something of that nature. In the end however, when we choose not to be open and honest, we are weakening our relationship.

We talked about boundaries, and one thing we talked about was how you shouldn’t talk to others about your sex life, or marital struggles. You should only be discussing these things with your spouse, even if they are the “problem”. When we discuss these things with other people, even family or close friends, we often damage either our relationship with our spouse, or our confidante’s relationship with our spouse. Where we may quickly get over something “bad” our spouse has done, the person we confide in will not. I have certainly seen this in my life when someone tells me something about his or her spouse. I would often feel offended and angered on my friends behalf, making me feel negatively toward their spouse, even after my friend is over it. This would often change the way I looked at the spouse of my friend, and it was not a positive change. On the same token, when I have been told intimate details of a couples personal life, it not only makes me feel uncomfortable, but it makes me feel weird around their spouse. There are some things that are between a husband and wife, and should not be shared with others.

Now lets put communication and boundaries together. You need to communicate with your spouse what sort of boundaries will be set. Boundaries need to be set for our families, friends, co-workers and etc. As a married couple it is two people joined together as one. Not two people plus whoever else feels like joining in. I keep learning how important it is to protect your marriage from anything that may weaken or damage it. We discussed that the way to be most satisfied in a marriage is to think of your spouse first. If we think of the well-being and happiness of our spouse, before our own, we will find much more happiness and satisfaction.

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What are five specific things wives can do to engage their husbands fully before, during and after delivery of their child?

This week we watched a power point about marital satisfaction going down after the birth of your children. We were supposed to do a discussion board about different things, I thought I would share what I wrote about the things wives can do specifically to help with the transition of having a child.

What are five specific things wives can do to engage their husbands fully before, during and after delivery of their child?

1.)   Involve your husband in the prenatal appointments; one way you can do this is by scheduling the ultrasound appointments when he can be there. Him being able to be there to see that baby and be part of it will help him feel closer to the baby and feel like he is part of the pregnancy. Also it might be helpful to show how important it is to have him involved. Let him know that you want him there that he matters and is important in the pregnancy process.

2.)   One thing that the power point talked about was making sure you take the time to let your husband feel the baby kick, and explain how it feels and what is going on. As the mother you have the bonding experience of the baby growing, and developing. You get to feel the baby kicking and enjoy the excitement. If you don’t invite you husband to experience it, and explain it to him, he may feel left out! I think this is a very important bonding concept for your husband and the child, as well as between you and your husband as you feel your child growing together.

3.)   Make sure at the delivery that he has priority over other family members. As women we most likely will want our mothers with us to help and comfort us through the birth. However, our husband is also becoming a parent and needs to be needed. He may be nervous and stressed, as well as possibly feeling uneasy about his position in your life with this new member coming to the family. He needs to know that he is needed and important in that exciting and crazy time of birth. He is the father, not just some guy who happens to be involved. I think it is also important to make these boundaries clear before the actual labor.

4.)   After you have the baby it is really important to give him opportunities to bond with the child. Either by letting him get up with the baby, setting aside specific time with him, or just involving him in all the little things. Brother Williams talked about how he would get up and take care of the baby unless they needed fed, this really helped him bond with his children. Things like, bathing, changing, playing, feeding, and cuddling. These things will help him feel close to the baby, but also help you all come closer as a family. There is no ones size fits all, you need to tailor it to your family.

5.)   The last thing is a combination of things. I think it is so important that throughout the whole process you continue to show him and tell him that he is needed. Make efforts to show him you love and need him. Help him feel that he is an irreplaceable part of your life. That your love for your child will never replace your love for him. Show an outpouring of love for him and all he contributes. Never forget to thank him for what he does. Make sure to spend time together as a couple, to bond and be close. As a wife if we do these things I think it will also bless us. These things are not just for him, but for our relationship, the more selfless you are, the better the relationship will be.

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Did you know?

    

Did you know there is such a thing as misattribution of arousal? Meaning there are certain things that make us think we are more attracted to someone than we actually are? Crazy right? Usually what does it is an adrenaline rush, so when we do things like roller coasters, or haunted houses, we can actually find people more attractive or desirable! Turns out our “feelings” cannot always be trusted. Maybe that’s why people fall in love with people who save them? Food for thought!

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Love, Marriage, and Dating.

This week we talked about dating, marriage and love. There is so much information, and so much one can learn on these subjects. I will focus on just a few.

First off is something that John Van Epp taught in his book. It is called the;

Relationship Attachment Model

Or RAM for short. It talks about the importance of understanding your relationship attachment. This picture explains what it looks like. If you will notice the bar is highest on know, then trust, rely, commit, and finally touch. We talked about when you are dating if you put say touch above know, you may find yourself in an unhappy or compromising position. This was just one mans theory about the best way of dating, but it does give some helpful insights to what we may want to pay attention too.

            We also talked about the Know-Quo. As you can see by the picture above, the three T’s are Time, Talk, and Togetherness. This idea is talking about the best way to “know” someone. I found this very interesting, especially in our culture to date for a very short time before marriage. This is saying that it takes you 3 months to begin to know someone. Not that I am against people getting married soon, but I wonder if we are to hasty sometimes in our desire to be married. Interesting to think about!

            The last thing I want to talk about is the Greek’s four “loves” or way of loving. As the picture shows we have;

Agape: This is the kind of love often referred to as charity. Someone in my class described it as a commitment to someone’s well being, without expecting something in return.

Eros: This is the passionate, sexual, or romantic love. It is where the word erotic comes from.

Storge: This is the kind of love parent have for their children. Some people also say it is the love children have for parents.

Philia: This is brotherly love, friendship, affection, or fondness.

Which kind of love do you think is best in a marriage?

It was really great to read, and learn about these different loves, as well as about dating and such. There are so many things we can learn about love, I found it really fascinating!

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